Passover Humor

For 2020

I do not want you in my house
I do not want you or your spouse

I do not wish to eat with you
At Seder one or Seder two!

Don't get me wrong, I think you're nice
But the CDC gave out this advice,

"Ten Plagues are enough, you don't need one more
Turn away Elijah, the prophet, if he shows up at your door"

This year's only guests: Father, mother, sister, brother.
NEXT YEAR in Jerusalem! We will say to each other.

From now on at each seder, this story we will tell,
Of how God saved his people with a squirt of PURELL!

by Esther Feurst

The Torah Speaks of Four Kinds of People Who Use Zoom:

The Wise, The Wicked, The Simple, The One Who Does Not Know How to “Mute”

The Wise Person says: “I’ll handle the Controls and Chat Rooms, and forward the Cloud Recording Transcript after the call.”

The Wicked Person says: “Since I have unlimited duration, I scheduled the meeting for six hours—as it says in the Haggadah, whoever prolongs the telling of the story, harei zeh m‘shubach, is praiseworthy.”

The Simple Person says: “Hello? Am I on? I can hear you but I can’t see you.”

[The Jerusalem Talmud has a different version. It says, “I can see you, but I can’t hear you.”]

The One Who Does Not Know How to Mute says: “How should I know where you put the keys? I’m stuck on this stupid Zoom call with these idiots.”

To the Wise Person you should offer all of the Zoom Pro Optional Add-On Plans.

To the Wicked Person you should say: “Had you been in charge, we would still be in Egypt.”

To the Simple Person you should say: “Try the call-in number instead.”

To the One Who Does Not Know How to Mute you should say: “Why should this night be different from all other nights?”

Corona Virus Haggadah

Kadesh – Time for the first of four cups of cough syrup. Everyone takes a rv’iit (130.7 ml, or 150 ml if you follow Dr Chazon Ish). Lean to the left, unless you are sitting next to Aunty Doris who has just returned from Bali, in which case you should lean to the right.

Urchatz – the Baal Haseder washes his hands with hand sanitizer.

Karpas – normally we use horseradish, but this year’s supply is still on a ship stranded in Singapore, so we use potato instead. To remember the bitter times of slavery, when we could not buy bottled water.

Maggid – the baal Haseder puts on a kittel and a facemask. “All who are hungry and not quarantined, let them come eat.”

Four Questions -- Why is this night different from all other nights? On all other nights we are afflicted only once, but tonight we are afflicted twice.

The Four sons. The wise one stocked enough toilet paper to get by for a week or two. The wicked one hoarded the entire shops supply and has an entire storeroom full. The simple one ran out after two days. The one who didn’t know how to ask resorted to paper towels instead.

We cried out to Hashem who saw our burden and our affliction. Rabbi Eliezer said the Coronavirus inflicted on the Egyptians started as equal to four. Therefore, we conclude that Egypt was struck by 40 cases, and now it is 200.

Ten plagues: coughing, hoarding, fake news, travel bans, stock market crash, supermarket stampedes, shutting down schools, no toilet paper, cancelled events, death of the first born. Rabbi Judah gave us the acronym COVID-19.

Dayenu –

Had we not been to China, Dayenu
If Costco had not sold out of tissues, Dayenu
If my stockbroker had not mysteriously disappeared, Dayenu
If we could now only choose to fly El Al, Dayenu
If Lemsip was kosher for Pesach, Dayenu
If it was only the meme’s that were viral, Dayenu

Moitze Matzah: A small dvar Torah. Why is it called Coronavirus? Why not Heinekenvirus, Michelobvirus, or Goldstarvirus? Because the gematria of Corona is 358, which is the same as the Moshiach who will come to redeem the world on the 8th day of Pesach.

Maror – Fresh Horseradish may have the necessary properties to kill the Coronavirus.

Korech – In the days before the Coronavirus Hillel used to eat a laffa shwarma on Seder night. To remember the splendour of this we take two pieces of matza, dip them in codliver oil and shake them off, combine them with two Panadol tablets and bind them together with Vicks vaporub.

Shulchan Aruch – Maybe try and give them some chicken soup? Bubbe says that will cure anything.

Tzafon – As the kids search for the Afikomen, make sure they don’t accidently stumble on your stash of stored Corona beer that you sold to the Rabbi. Negotiate the trade of the found piece of matzah with the inheritance of your near worthless Government bond certificates.

Barech – Open the door for Elijah, but he is in self-isolation. Read together; “Pour out your wrath upon the land of China that created this mess in the first place. Smite them with a shortage of facemasks and annihilate their cheap low-grade manufacturing.”

Hallel – sing songs of praise that the Corona Virus should Passover our homes.

Nirtzah – that concludes the Seder. No, unfortunately there is no toilet paper. Sorry.

Chad Gadya -- The Holy One, blessed is He, came and overpowered the angel of death, who took out the pandemic slaughterer, who smote the cruiseship captain, who used up the wifi, that supported self- isolation, that stopped the panic, that gripped the supermarket, and used up my last roll of scented 3-ply toilet paper that my father bought for two zuzim. Chad Gadya.

Next Year in Jerusalem. Because we are not going to take a cruise.

Conclude with the singing of Shir haCovid

Based on Andrew Blitz’ version, 2020